decisions....decisions...decisions...

5 days left till the beginning of yet another saturated year in medicine, you would think since I have done it 4 times till now I would have gotten accustomed, but the fact is I feel like a harry potter book, every year is full of  different stories, new friendships, new professors, HORRIBLE PROFESSORS, to the point that I actually don't know if am excited or simply dreading this year.

I think I will go with dreading now, because there is something different about this year, I have to actually start doing things that concern my future, I have to start studying the USMLE ( like seriously start not the same start that I have been planning to do for the last 2 months) and THEN I have to decide whether I am ready to take it or not! There's also the planning for the elective course in USA, which with every research I do seems to be even more impossible to achieve! And of course lets not forget that I have my 5th year studies to attend to, and although my dad has kinda given me the light to achieve a B but I can still hear the disappointment in his voice, and even with ALL of my worries and everything that's on my mind I always give my daddy the priority, and everything that pleases him must come in first.
aaaaaaah am only 21 years old and I certainly did not sign up for this!! but I guess that's why they always say that you have to not sleep the nights, study your youth away, so that when you are old and saggy you can enjoy your days and rest, for you have accomplished everything while you were in your 20s or 30s, which by the way doesn't make any sense to me! Aren't your 20s and 30s and even 40s supposed to be the most exciting years of your life? aren't you supposed to be trying everything that's new and tour the world?? And then when you are old do all the hard work because you have nothing to look forward to anyway? your kids will be off to college living their own lives, your husband will probably be going through his midlife crisis (probably with a younger woman!) and then you are supposed to sit and have nothing to do??

I wonder if too much thinking kills your brain cells or stimulates them? because this definitely doesn't feel like STIMULATION!!! 

take a leap

The best feeling in the world, when you are letting all your walls down, you don't listen to your insecurities anymore, and you just JUMP!

You are expressing every word that comes to your mind the way it is, no processing, no editing, you just say it. you are not afraid of sounding stupid, clingy, or simply desperate, because he will understand what you are saying exactly, he will not misinterpret, he will not interrupt you with a but, and you know the one listening to you is everything you have ever wanted in a man, he is everything you have ever looked for, and hoped to exist in one person. And although you are probably doing the riskiest thing you have ever done in your life, jumped the biggest distance, yet you have never felt safer before, because you know that after that magnificent fall, he will catch you!

What's life without someone to obsess about? Think about day and dream about night? Steal every moment you can spare to hear his voice, and count the days till you see his face?
Nothing seems too much anymore. There can never be too much time spent talking on the phone with him, too much thinking about stuff that we are going to do together, too much money spent on the perfect gift for him, too much jealousy that makes me shut off myself from the world, and makes him my only friend, too much obsession that will stop me from looking at his pictures all day long, or too much love that I should stop expressing mine to him.