damn..
I just cut myself shaving now , I was thinking of you sweetie, I was thinking how much I miss you and how happy I am that I am going to see you finally. It's been a busy week, but you know I would never miss an opportunity to see you, and now I should look my best, and you always told me how much you liked how I look when I shave , probably because my beard feels like needles to your lips when you kiss me, and just for the sake of that kiss, I never showed up with a beard when I came to meet you, except when I had exams, or when I would see you on a thursday, you knew I always shaved on a sunday and that's why you loved to see me on sundays.
I am wearing your favorite shirt, and that tie you gave me for our first anniversary, do you remember honey? It was that time of the year one year ago when we had started talking, it was the first time I ever had a conversation that long with a girl, you see before you I had never thought that I would fall in love this young, and if I did I would have never thought that it would be you of all people. Before I ever talked to you all I ever thought of you was that you are an arrogant spoiled girl, who talks too much and quite loudly, doesn't know how to behave in public, and had many adventures of her own which you didn't mind to share in public. But that night...I remember that night as if it was yesterday, before that night we were barely colleagues who knew each other on first name bases, but that night we talked as if we had known each other for 20 years, we laughed, we shared our ambitions, and agreed to stay friends for life that night...
As I was driving to get to you I started switching radio channels, remember how you used to switch the channel before the lyrics of the song even played, because you knew every song from the first note and only had to listen to the first 5 sec to realize that you didn't like the song and you would switch the channel, that was so annoying dear, but the most annoying moments with you were my favourite...
They are playing our song darling, remember the first time we ever heard it, I had told you the story behind that song and there were tears in your eyes, you hated sad love songs and sad love stories, you always wondered "why do true love stories always end sadly? why can't they just live together happily ever after, even fairy tales have to have some true bases in them..right?" I had always held you in my arms then and said "what about us sweetheart? aren't we an example of a happy ending?". you always asked me to sing to you, but I never did, you knew how shy I was so you would always start singing hoping I would sing along too, I never did
Now that I am at the entrance gate of the hospital you have always worked in, I feel excited, I really missed you, remember how you would always be waiting for me here and your face a little red, you hated it when I wasn't punctual, but even when you were angry I always thought you looked really cute. Remember whenever you thought you looked horrible that day you would tell me not to pick you up and you would walk home? But baby you know I always saw you as the only and most beautiful girl in the world, no matter how pale you looked, or how messy your hair was... but I never told you that
I am in the elevator now, and I know what exactly what you would say when you see me, "how was your day? did you have fun? how many girls did you talk to today?" you were always so jealous, you could never stand the idea of me having a full conversation with a girl other than you, and I never did, no girl ever intrigued me enough to spend more than 5 minutes with her other than you, when I looked at girls, it was as if they were different creatures, and you were the only girl on the planet, and you were enough, but still I always loved to tease you, because your face would blush, you would cross your hands, start tapping on the floor with your leg, and if I tried to sweet talk to you, you would break a world record and speak 180 words per minute, words of admonition, of disappointment, of jealousy, and finally of love, you would tell me how you can't stand a girl to look at me for more than a second, so how are you supposed to bear me conversing with girlS, I always felt so happy and guilty that I made you this jealous... and I always told you this would be the last time, but it never was
Walking down the corridor towards you reminded me of the many times we spent wandering those corridors, you were always coming here with me because it was usually me the one who was visiting all the senior doctors asking them for advices and recommendations so that I would get in to a prestigious school, you see I had many plans for us , I wanted a bright future for both of us, you were my motivation, I loved you so much I wanted to give you everything, even if that meant a lot of hard working, sleepless nights. I didn't mind all of that, but what I didn't like about all of this was all that time spent away from you, I wished there was a time where I didnt have anything to do, and just stay with you, even if we didn't do anything, time spent with you was worth everything, but did I ever show you that?
Finally I arrived at your room, my heart leaped before I drew the curtains away from your bed, I had wished to see a different site from the one I have been seeing for the last 7 months, the site of your eyes tightly shut , your face white as snow, and the sound of that damn monitor ....
I took a long breath, at least I am with you now, I am holding your hand now, can you feel it precious? I know it's my fault you are here, i promised I will always be with you, that I would protect you from any harm, that I will give you the best life yo deserve, and look at you now, will you ever forgive me?
move your toes, move your toes and I will shave every sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and even friday, even if I had exams, even if I didnt have time to eat I will shave it just for you, just move your toes ...for me? sweetie?
what about your hand? raise your hand and I will never forget a single anniversary, everyday will be an anniversary for us , I will buy you roses, I will take you to see venice...remember? we always said we wanted to go there once we were done with our examsm but we never got to..there was always something to do, and now we might never get to go there, just raise your hand and I promise....honey?
hold my hand and I will never turn the radio on in the car, I will listen to you, I want you to keep talking and talking, your words are the only lyrics I want to listen to, your voice the only melody I want to hear, just hold my hand...dear?
stroke my fingers, and I will never be late again, even if there was a storm, I will be waiting for you, you won't have to wait for me anymore , and I will SING, I will keep singing day and night until you beg me not to , I will sing to you cheesy love songs, hell I will dance too!!! see?? you never asked me to dance and yet here I am volunteering on my own to dance, just stroke my fingers with your light touch... sweetheart?
call my name...oh how I wish for you to call my name, I BEG YOU LOVE TO CALL MY NAME, I know that you don't trust me as much as you did before because I never really kept my promises, but love, call my name and I swear to you, I will make sure every day that I tell you that you are the one, you are my first and only love, you gave me life, you are the one who gave my heart a reason to beat everyday, a reason to rise after life puts me down, and me, you gave me the power and the will to endure seeing you like this, you always believed we had hope, and now you can prove it...
open your eyes, show me that I was wrong in every argument we ever had, show me that you are as strong as I always thought you were, honey I am weak, every time I come to see you I lose a little of the hope left for us, I need you with me , open your eyes for me, and I will spend every breath that I take with you, no more work, no more exams, no more night shifts, just you and me ....please?
Friday, November 25, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
decisions....decisions...decisions...
5 days left till the beginning of yet another saturated year in medicine, you would think since I have done it 4 times till now I would have gotten accustomed, but the fact is I feel like a harry potter book, every year is full of different stories, new friendships, new professors, HORRIBLE PROFESSORS, to the point that I actually don't know if am excited or simply dreading this year.
I think I will go with dreading now, because there is something different about this year, I have to actually start doing things that concern my future, I have to start studying the USMLE ( like seriously start not the same start that I have been planning to do for the last 2 months) and THEN I have to decide whether I am ready to take it or not! There's also the planning for the elective course in USA, which with every research I do seems to be even more impossible to achieve! And of course lets not forget that I have my 5th year studies to attend to, and although my dad has kinda given me the light to achieve a B but I can still hear the disappointment in his voice, and even with ALL of my worries and everything that's on my mind I always give my daddy the priority, and everything that pleases him must come in first.
aaaaaaah am only 21 years old and I certainly did not sign up for this!! but I guess that's why they always say that you have to not sleep the nights, study your youth away, so that when you are old and saggy you can enjoy your days and rest, for you have accomplished everything while you were in your 20s or 30s, which by the way doesn't make any sense to me! Aren't your 20s and 30s and even 40s supposed to be the most exciting years of your life? aren't you supposed to be trying everything that's new and tour the world?? And then when you are old do all the hard work because you have nothing to look forward to anyway? your kids will be off to college living their own lives, your husband will probably be going through his midlife crisis (probably with a younger woman!) and then you are supposed to sit and have nothing to do??
I wonder if too much thinking kills your brain cells or stimulates them? because this definitely doesn't feel like STIMULATION!!!
5 days left till the beginning of yet another saturated year in medicine, you would think since I have done it 4 times till now I would have gotten accustomed, but the fact is I feel like a harry potter book, every year is full of different stories, new friendships, new professors, HORRIBLE PROFESSORS, to the point that I actually don't know if am excited or simply dreading this year.
I think I will go with dreading now, because there is something different about this year, I have to actually start doing things that concern my future, I have to start studying the USMLE ( like seriously start not the same start that I have been planning to do for the last 2 months) and THEN I have to decide whether I am ready to take it or not! There's also the planning for the elective course in USA, which with every research I do seems to be even more impossible to achieve! And of course lets not forget that I have my 5th year studies to attend to, and although my dad has kinda given me the light to achieve a B but I can still hear the disappointment in his voice, and even with ALL of my worries and everything that's on my mind I always give my daddy the priority, and everything that pleases him must come in first.
aaaaaaah am only 21 years old and I certainly did not sign up for this!! but I guess that's why they always say that you have to not sleep the nights, study your youth away, so that when you are old and saggy you can enjoy your days and rest, for you have accomplished everything while you were in your 20s or 30s, which by the way doesn't make any sense to me! Aren't your 20s and 30s and even 40s supposed to be the most exciting years of your life? aren't you supposed to be trying everything that's new and tour the world?? And then when you are old do all the hard work because you have nothing to look forward to anyway? your kids will be off to college living their own lives, your husband will probably be going through his midlife crisis (probably with a younger woman!) and then you are supposed to sit and have nothing to do??
I wonder if too much thinking kills your brain cells or stimulates them? because this definitely doesn't feel like STIMULATION!!!
take a leap
The best feeling in the world, when you are letting all your walls down, you don't listen to your insecurities anymore, and you just JUMP!
You are expressing every word that comes to your mind the way it is, no processing, no editing, you just say it. you are not afraid of sounding stupid, clingy, or simply desperate, because he will understand what you are saying exactly, he will not misinterpret, he will not interrupt you with a but, and you know the one listening to you is everything you have ever wanted in a man, he is everything you have ever looked for, and hoped to exist in one person. And although you are probably doing the riskiest thing you have ever done in your life, jumped the biggest distance, yet you have never felt safer before, because you know that after that magnificent fall, he will catch you!
What's life without someone to obsess about? Think about day and dream about night? Steal every moment you can spare to hear his voice, and count the days till you see his face?
Nothing seems too much anymore. There can never be too much time spent talking on the phone with him, too much thinking about stuff that we are going to do together, too much money spent on the perfect gift for him, too much jealousy that makes me shut off myself from the world, and makes him my only friend, too much obsession that will stop me from looking at his pictures all day long, or too much love that I should stop expressing mine to him.
You are expressing every word that comes to your mind the way it is, no processing, no editing, you just say it. you are not afraid of sounding stupid, clingy, or simply desperate, because he will understand what you are saying exactly, he will not misinterpret, he will not interrupt you with a but, and you know the one listening to you is everything you have ever wanted in a man, he is everything you have ever looked for, and hoped to exist in one person. And although you are probably doing the riskiest thing you have ever done in your life, jumped the biggest distance, yet you have never felt safer before, because you know that after that magnificent fall, he will catch you!
What's life without someone to obsess about? Think about day and dream about night? Steal every moment you can spare to hear his voice, and count the days till you see his face?
Nothing seems too much anymore. There can never be too much time spent talking on the phone with him, too much thinking about stuff that we are going to do together, too much money spent on the perfect gift for him, too much jealousy that makes me shut off myself from the world, and makes him my only friend, too much obsession that will stop me from looking at his pictures all day long, or too much love that I should stop expressing mine to him.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I love you
I cant breathe when you look at me
My brain explodes with adrenaline when I see your name calling me
I cant bare the sight of you talking with any other girl but me
I love my name when you say it
Do you feel the same?
I don't love you
I don't think you are pretty at all
Your voice annoys me especially when you become excited
Your hair is always messed up as if to give ius the impression that you are a hard worker
And I know for a fact the you are one of the laziest people in the world
I dont feel the same
I love you
I love it when we stop talking over the phone and yet it's not awkward silence
I love how you always think that you are the one who will solve the world's problems
I love how your ambition in life is to make a difference
I love how you are always very stubborn, and yet you change your mind just for me
do you feel the same?
I don't love you
You are always smiling even when we are fighting
You never let go of a subject even when I tell to
You always end up hanging up on me when we are fighting over the phone, even though I told you many times not to
You know your words drive me crazy and yet you say them anyway
I don't feel the same
I love you
I love the fact that when you laugh, you laugh in a really awkward, yet adorable way
I still get goose pumps when I remember our first phone call
And how it felt when I heard your voice over the phone for the first time
I love how even though I was very nervous during our first phone call, you kept making me laugh hysterically
Do you feel the same?
I don't love you
Your interests are so much different from mine
You strike me as a very shallow person
You always wonder off when am talking about really important issues that world cares about
You seem to think of yourself as innocent naive, and I know better
I don't feel the same
I love you
I could stare at you for hours, and adore every word that comes out of your mouth
Your words have so much meaning and emotions in them , wish I had that passion
You are so strong and you never let life get you down
I feel so safe when am next to you, and I know that nothing will bring me down, if you stay by my side
Do you feel the same?
I don't love you
You are weak, and I can't keep carrying you
Am going away and I can't take you with me
Stay here where you belong, away from me
You might say you cant survive without me, but I know that I can
My existence was never about you, nor for anyone
This is a one man show, and am not about to turn it in to a duet
I don't feel the same
Stay with me and I'll know for a fact, that god loves me and has given me his most precious gift, you
Stay with me and I can face the world, I know I'll be invincible, and nothing the world throws at me I can't handle
Look in to my eyes and feel the love that my words can't express
Hold my hand and feel the warmth you bring to them
Listen to my heart and hear it dance to the joy of your sight
I can survive without you, but I cant live without you
I love you even though I know you don't feel the same
Go your way, travel across the seas and save the world, meet all the different people and learn their new ways of love, friendship and care
but when the night comes and you find yourself missing my annoying voice, and you realize that you need to look in to my eyes one more time, and feel that rush of love every time your hand brushed against mine, then you will realize that no one in this whole wide world will ever love as much as I do, nor care about the way that I do,
and when you do that, come back
come back for I'll be waiting right here for you, for I have sworn I'll live my life for you, to you and because of you
I love you
Do you feel the same?
Monday, July 25, 2011
a beautiful day
I woke up late today, there was a message from him from last night that said : good night :-D
I put on my cloths and went to start my car and it was then when I noticed I had a large stupid smile on my face
I wiped it off and drove to my work place
I bought a horrible coffee from the machine and didn't enjoy any sip of it
I was in the elevator when I realized I was still thinking of his message, and I wondered if he was already here before me, he usually wakes up early and doesn't have to rush, unlike me that is
even when I promise him to come earlier ten minutes so that we can have ten more minutes to ourselves, I usually end up being twenty minutes late and apologizing, but he never gets upset at me anyway
the thought of him never getting upset at me gave me that stupid smile again and I wiped it off as my elevator reached my floor
yes he was there, reading his notes because he is such a hard worker, he is the kind that gets upset if the doctor would ask us a question and he wouldn't know the answer, he is such a geek! and yet that's what makes him even more adorable
it was only when he asked me why are you smiling that I realized I was still smiling that stupid cheesy smile, I really should stop doing that! nothing, I said, I was just wondering how much more of a nerd can you become before they finally burn you at a stake. I sat beside him and he made sure to make enough space between us that would fit a hippopotamus, but still its his shyness and awkwardness that mainly attracted my attention.
did you study yesterday? he asked. Eeeeh I know that I said I would but really yesterday was CRAZY!
but that's what you said the day before yesterday and the day before!
I know I know I 'll eventually start don't push!
wonder when will "eventually" come!
you know you sound like my dad! only you don't give me money to have to listen to you!
I don't have money otherwise I would have given you
then give me your watch!
okay!
I don't even like your watch ( as I held it fondly between my fingers)
then why do you keep asking for it?
because it's yours...
there was silence after my last sentence, realizing how easily a conversation could go a wrong turn I said : so do you know which doctor we have today?
no I don't, but I have a bad feeling that this is not going to be a good day
don't think like that! think that today is going to be beautiful and we are going to have so much fun!.
some Malaysian students started arriving already so I got up since we no longer had any privacy
I have to go now, don't want to get yelled at today because today is going to BEAUTIFUL keep that in your mind!
It already is at least for me...I didn't say that out loud of course! some feelings are better left unsaid
My day wasn't beautiful at all! I got yelled at by a nurse! (not that I have anything against nurses) I didn't know the answers to any question the doctor asked me (god I wish I had listened to him and studied yesterday) and I was in no mood to present my case today and yet somehow that doctor knew that exactly and seeing how caring he is made me present it and made sure to point out all my "fatal" mistakes. and my group seemed to find the whole situation too funny to try and back me up in front of the doctor! Usually all of this doesn't get me down, however the fact that I was barely able to see him for five minutes during the break and he didn't seem to mind spending only five minutes with me cracked me up! I really miss him but longing was definitely not in his eyes when he told me I have to go to see some stupid doctor.
I sat frustrated in front of the lecture hall playing with my cell phone, there was still 50 minutes left before the lecture starts but I was in no mood to socialize or to talk to anyone, so I sat there humming a song and quite loudly if I might add, not that I sounded good or anything, but I was pretty sure not even the nerds are going to show up 50 minutes before the lecture to the lecture hall.
I was running out of songs and there was still 35 minutes left for the lecture, I started walking in zigzag lines until I almost fell, that was when I decided that I'll be probably safer if I was sitting. I found the perfect spot where I could see everyone who is coming but no one can see me directly. I sat there and started listening to my ipod, and then a tall figure came through the door at the end of the other side of the hall, my heart contracted a little stronger than it should have, it was him.
what is he doing here? probably came with his friends to talk with the doctor before everyone else came, but he was alone and no one followed him. well then he must've came to use the bathroom at the end of the corridor, but he wasn't going anywhere, he was just walking around and looking for something...for someone
And then his eyes caught mine, and again my heart gave another painful contraction, can you stop it already! how am I supposed to keep my cool with you pounding in my chest so hard I think he actually heard it!
What are you doing here?
I came looking for you...you weren't picking up your phone
what? it was true... there were 3 missed calls but somehow I didn't hear it ring nor feel it vibrate
am sorry I didn't hear it I was listening to my ipod, besides what are you doing here I thought you were going to ask the doctors about the exam that's 7 months away!
well I did and I finished early so I came looking for you but couldn't find you anywhere and I thought I would find you here
are you stalking me now?
am not stalking you I just thought you looked angry earlier and wanted to come and check on you
oh... it's sweet that he wants to check on me but I want him to want to see not just come and check on me!
am okay you shouldn't have came, your friends are going to be wondering where you are at
my friends can wait, tell me what's wrong
it's a long story, it's going to take time
I have nothing to do...unless you have something to do
No I don't
then why are we still arguing?
he does have a point you know ...hmmmm
and so we sat and I told him all about my horrible day only it didn't sound so horrible at all now! in fact I absolutely loved today! everything that happened to me today was so funny when I was with him. something about his smile made me realize how beautiful life is, I was so happy, and again... I had that stupid smile on my face.
students were coming to the lecture hall now and I could feel them looking at us, I could see some poke their friends and point towards us, I could imagine them making these stories about us , and I could feel the looks they were giving us, but I honestly didn't care, how could I with his eyes gazing fondly at me?
as the lecture began we sat in the front row, we couldn't talk or even write notes to each other but I didn't care, I was sitting by his side and I could smell his cologne, which made it harder for me to concentrate during the lecture.
the day was over and I was finally going back to my dormitory, he walked me to my car even though it was further away from his car, I tried pointing it out to him but he hushed me and we walked silently, why did I have to park the car this close to the lecture hall??
well, am not going to call you today so that you would study more today, and I promise am going to start studying today too
don't mind me, you call me when you get a break, and yes start studying today
okay I will, well good bye
good bye
I got in to my car but pretended to be tuning the radio so that I could get a last look at him as he walked to his car, but he didn't turn to get a last look , oh well don't be greedy! you had a good, no a great day!
but then my phone was ringing, and it was him! I thought that he was going to probably tell me that I forgot to do something
surely you didn't miss me already?
haha, I wanted to tell you that you were right, today was beautiful..thank you
oh ...eeeh mmm, that should teach you to listen to me more often
ya I probably should, drive safely...bye
bye
I put on my cloths and went to start my car and it was then when I noticed I had a large stupid smile on my face
I wiped it off and drove to my work place
I bought a horrible coffee from the machine and didn't enjoy any sip of it
I was in the elevator when I realized I was still thinking of his message, and I wondered if he was already here before me, he usually wakes up early and doesn't have to rush, unlike me that is
even when I promise him to come earlier ten minutes so that we can have ten more minutes to ourselves, I usually end up being twenty minutes late and apologizing, but he never gets upset at me anyway
the thought of him never getting upset at me gave me that stupid smile again and I wiped it off as my elevator reached my floor
yes he was there, reading his notes because he is such a hard worker, he is the kind that gets upset if the doctor would ask us a question and he wouldn't know the answer, he is such a geek! and yet that's what makes him even more adorable
it was only when he asked me why are you smiling that I realized I was still smiling that stupid cheesy smile, I really should stop doing that! nothing, I said, I was just wondering how much more of a nerd can you become before they finally burn you at a stake. I sat beside him and he made sure to make enough space between us that would fit a hippopotamus, but still its his shyness and awkwardness that mainly attracted my attention.
did you study yesterday? he asked. Eeeeh I know that I said I would but really yesterday was CRAZY!
but that's what you said the day before yesterday and the day before!
I know I know I 'll eventually start don't push!
wonder when will "eventually" come!
you know you sound like my dad! only you don't give me money to have to listen to you!
I don't have money otherwise I would have given you
then give me your watch!
okay!
I don't even like your watch ( as I held it fondly between my fingers)
then why do you keep asking for it?
because it's yours...
there was silence after my last sentence, realizing how easily a conversation could go a wrong turn I said : so do you know which doctor we have today?
no I don't, but I have a bad feeling that this is not going to be a good day
don't think like that! think that today is going to be beautiful and we are going to have so much fun!.
some Malaysian students started arriving already so I got up since we no longer had any privacy
I have to go now, don't want to get yelled at today because today is going to BEAUTIFUL keep that in your mind!
It already is at least for me...I didn't say that out loud of course! some feelings are better left unsaid
My day wasn't beautiful at all! I got yelled at by a nurse! (not that I have anything against nurses) I didn't know the answers to any question the doctor asked me (god I wish I had listened to him and studied yesterday) and I was in no mood to present my case today and yet somehow that doctor knew that exactly and seeing how caring he is made me present it and made sure to point out all my "fatal" mistakes. and my group seemed to find the whole situation too funny to try and back me up in front of the doctor! Usually all of this doesn't get me down, however the fact that I was barely able to see him for five minutes during the break and he didn't seem to mind spending only five minutes with me cracked me up! I really miss him but longing was definitely not in his eyes when he told me I have to go to see some stupid doctor.
I sat frustrated in front of the lecture hall playing with my cell phone, there was still 50 minutes left before the lecture starts but I was in no mood to socialize or to talk to anyone, so I sat there humming a song and quite loudly if I might add, not that I sounded good or anything, but I was pretty sure not even the nerds are going to show up 50 minutes before the lecture to the lecture hall.
I was running out of songs and there was still 35 minutes left for the lecture, I started walking in zigzag lines until I almost fell, that was when I decided that I'll be probably safer if I was sitting. I found the perfect spot where I could see everyone who is coming but no one can see me directly. I sat there and started listening to my ipod, and then a tall figure came through the door at the end of the other side of the hall, my heart contracted a little stronger than it should have, it was him.
what is he doing here? probably came with his friends to talk with the doctor before everyone else came, but he was alone and no one followed him. well then he must've came to use the bathroom at the end of the corridor, but he wasn't going anywhere, he was just walking around and looking for something...for someone
And then his eyes caught mine, and again my heart gave another painful contraction, can you stop it already! how am I supposed to keep my cool with you pounding in my chest so hard I think he actually heard it!
What are you doing here?
I came looking for you...you weren't picking up your phone
what? it was true... there were 3 missed calls but somehow I didn't hear it ring nor feel it vibrate
am sorry I didn't hear it I was listening to my ipod, besides what are you doing here I thought you were going to ask the doctors about the exam that's 7 months away!
well I did and I finished early so I came looking for you but couldn't find you anywhere and I thought I would find you here
are you stalking me now?
am not stalking you I just thought you looked angry earlier and wanted to come and check on you
oh... it's sweet that he wants to check on me but I want him to want to see not just come and check on me!
am okay you shouldn't have came, your friends are going to be wondering where you are at
my friends can wait, tell me what's wrong
it's a long story, it's going to take time
I have nothing to do...unless you have something to do
No I don't
then why are we still arguing?
he does have a point you know ...hmmmm
and so we sat and I told him all about my horrible day only it didn't sound so horrible at all now! in fact I absolutely loved today! everything that happened to me today was so funny when I was with him. something about his smile made me realize how beautiful life is, I was so happy, and again... I had that stupid smile on my face.
students were coming to the lecture hall now and I could feel them looking at us, I could see some poke their friends and point towards us, I could imagine them making these stories about us , and I could feel the looks they were giving us, but I honestly didn't care, how could I with his eyes gazing fondly at me?
as the lecture began we sat in the front row, we couldn't talk or even write notes to each other but I didn't care, I was sitting by his side and I could smell his cologne, which made it harder for me to concentrate during the lecture.
the day was over and I was finally going back to my dormitory, he walked me to my car even though it was further away from his car, I tried pointing it out to him but he hushed me and we walked silently, why did I have to park the car this close to the lecture hall??
well, am not going to call you today so that you would study more today, and I promise am going to start studying today too
don't mind me, you call me when you get a break, and yes start studying today
okay I will, well good bye
good bye
I got in to my car but pretended to be tuning the radio so that I could get a last look at him as he walked to his car, but he didn't turn to get a last look , oh well don't be greedy! you had a good, no a great day!
but then my phone was ringing, and it was him! I thought that he was going to probably tell me that I forgot to do something
surely you didn't miss me already?
haha, I wanted to tell you that you were right, today was beautiful..thank you
oh ...eeeh mmm, that should teach you to listen to me more often
ya I probably should, drive safely...bye
bye
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I had a dream
I had a dream
I dreamed that we were together far away
no one was there to give us looks, to whisper about us, or to make judgements
it was early morning, the sun was rising slowly in the sky
there was this slight breeze that tickled my skin
it was so quiet except for some birds that were peaking at us
it was like the world was created for me and you
we were sitting in a green meadow where you could see nothing but the horizon far away
everything seemed possible
the sun was at angle to us now
it made your hair look lighter
and your eyes look... I couldnt look you in the eye deep enough to make out what the sun made them look like
you however, you could stare in to my eyes for eternity
I couldn't look back at you but I knew what your eyes were saying
they were speaking soft words of love that you couldn't express
they had a lot of desire that you couldn't follow
and the longing in them... I couldn't understand what you were longing for exactly, but at least I knew that there was a lot of longing
we sat there talking for hours, we had nothing to go back to, because everything we ever wanted we had at that moment
we were together and yet, I missed you so much
and then I had that terrible feeling in my stomach
even though everything seemed so real, something was missing
"what's the matter" you asked me
:something is not right" I said
"here you are with me, you love me, we are alone, and I couldnt be happier, but something is not right"
"isnt this everything you ever wanted?" he asked
"No" I said
"this is not reality, and no matter how long this goes on for, we have to go back eventually , and I don't want to find the reality so cruel and unbearable
I want you to be real, I want you to really love me, I want you to want to be with me, and I will make it happen
you will love me, we will sit in green meadow and spend hours planning a future for us, together
our lives will be happier than our dreams, and we will never want to sleep again, because reality will be so much sweeter
and untill that day comes, wait for me here
I'll visit you every night until you are with me day and night... I promise"
with a smile you say "I'll be here..waiting"
yo finally let go of my hand and I feel a shiver run down my spine
I feel like my whole word is shaking and a louse noise comes from behind
I wake up and its only phone ringing and vibrating
It is you, only its not really you
you voice is casual and emotionless
you talk in a hurry because you need to go and cant spare few moments to talk to me
"I miss you"
"what? I cant here you, there are a lot of people here and I can barely hear you. I'll talk to you later"
" I'll be here..waiting"
I dreamed that we were together far away
no one was there to give us looks, to whisper about us, or to make judgements
it was early morning, the sun was rising slowly in the sky
there was this slight breeze that tickled my skin
it was so quiet except for some birds that were peaking at us
it was like the world was created for me and you
we were sitting in a green meadow where you could see nothing but the horizon far away
everything seemed possible
the sun was at angle to us now
it made your hair look lighter
and your eyes look... I couldnt look you in the eye deep enough to make out what the sun made them look like
you however, you could stare in to my eyes for eternity
I couldn't look back at you but I knew what your eyes were saying
they were speaking soft words of love that you couldn't express
they had a lot of desire that you couldn't follow
and the longing in them... I couldn't understand what you were longing for exactly, but at least I knew that there was a lot of longing
we sat there talking for hours, we had nothing to go back to, because everything we ever wanted we had at that moment
we were together and yet, I missed you so much
and then I had that terrible feeling in my stomach
even though everything seemed so real, something was missing
"what's the matter" you asked me
:something is not right" I said
"here you are with me, you love me, we are alone, and I couldnt be happier, but something is not right"
"isnt this everything you ever wanted?" he asked
"No" I said
"this is not reality, and no matter how long this goes on for, we have to go back eventually , and I don't want to find the reality so cruel and unbearable
I want you to be real, I want you to really love me, I want you to want to be with me, and I will make it happen
you will love me, we will sit in green meadow and spend hours planning a future for us, together
our lives will be happier than our dreams, and we will never want to sleep again, because reality will be so much sweeter
and untill that day comes, wait for me here
I'll visit you every night until you are with me day and night... I promise"
with a smile you say "I'll be here..waiting"
yo finally let go of my hand and I feel a shiver run down my spine
I feel like my whole word is shaking and a louse noise comes from behind
I wake up and its only phone ringing and vibrating
It is you, only its not really you
you voice is casual and emotionless
you talk in a hurry because you need to go and cant spare few moments to talk to me
"I miss you"
"what? I cant here you, there are a lot of people here and I can barely hear you. I'll talk to you later"
" I'll be here..waiting"
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